Shame: An Epidemic.
Shame, or hell on earth as I like to call it, is the cancer that lives in the darkness of our souls. Shame is the emotional experience of hatred of the core of who you are. “I am worthless, I am unloveable, I am not enough, I am bad…” The list could go on, but I won’t. It’s not related to an action like guilt is. Guilt says, “I did something bad” and can help you course correct. Shame says, “ I am bad” and never helps you make positive change. It leaves you feeling fundamentally flawed and wrong as a human. Why did I call it an epidemic? I’ve never had a client where shame wasn’t a factor in the work we did. I’ve also never known a human, myself included, that hasn’t experienced shame. Shame breeds powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred. And guess what? No one is their whole authentic self with all those painful feelings floating around. Shame leads us to hurting ourselves and each other. How we respond to shame could singlehandedly destroy a relationship. When we feel shame, we don’t tend to behave in the most loving ways. Remember confirmation bias? Well, when you feel shame, you might do things that create more shame, to prove to yourself you deserve to be full of shame. It’s a nasty cycle.
I called it a cancer for a reason. It will silently grow in us if left unchecked and hidden. Shame loves the darkness. The more we try to hide it, the more it tends to grow. So what is the antidote, what do we do about shame? The good news is that babies do not come out of the womb with shame, it’s something we contract from painful life experiences. Meaning, it’s not an inherent part of who you are. There are many components to healing shame. As always, number one is self-compassion, which feels nearly impossible when you have a lot of shame. Think about self-compassion as a practice more than a feeling. You can practice it, even if you don’t feel it. Next, you must care for yourself with gentle tenderness. Shine a light on shame, don’t let it continue to grow in the darkness. Surround yourself with kind people who have good souls. Practice vulnerability, let people see you and support you. Let people love you. Challenge your thoughts instead of believing them, give them counter evidence. All of this sends a new message to your inner psyche, that you are good, worthy, and deserving of love just because you are you and for no other reason. This is very simplified and much easier said than done, I know. Practicing is the only way we getter better at something unfortunately. You are an imperfect human that makes mistakes. And guess what? You’re still enough, you were always enough, and will always be enough.
Questions to ponder.
How does shame feel to you? What is the story in your head it tells you?
What does shame rob you of?
How can you actively practice healing your shame?
