Closure is an inside job.
Ahh closure. We all want it, but what is it? Closure is the sense of peace that comes with healing that allows you move forward, usually associated with a relational issue or challenge. These challenges are often associated with breakups, fights, traumatic experiences, hurt feelings, and even death. We often think of closure as being able to tie it neatly in a box to put away and move on. However, it’s not that simple. We often want to find closure with the person we are having the issue with. Sometimes we get lucky and we do get to co-create closure with someone. This is often not possible due to a lack of access to the person, their refusal to engage in this way, or a lack of emotional awareness and understanding to do so. It also puts you in a disempowered place to rely solely on someone else to help you process your feelings and soothe them, as if they hold the key to your healing. Which is why I say, closure is an inside job.
When we want closure, we often want the painful feelings to stop. You might be feeling helpless, powerless, worthless, fearful, desperate, grief, angry, disappointed, and any number of feelings around a given situation. They can feel overwhelming, making it impossible to make meaning, integrate the experience, learn, grow, and move forward. So how does one create closure within themselves? I wish I had a neat little formula, but I don’t. What I can offer you is a place to start. Major components of closure include self-compassion, ability to regulate your nervous system, acceptance, vulnerability, radical self-honesty, knowing your values, and a good support system. Closure requires you to be grounded enough to explore your thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed or having big reactions. You must also be truly honest with yourself about how this experience feels to you, affects you, and what role you might play in the dynamics at hand. Talk with your loved ones for support and perspective, let them show up for you so you’re not in this alone. Let your values be your guide for how you want to show up during this experience. Be vulnerable, actually feel your feelings instead of running away from them or trying to minimize them. And finally, acceptance. Radical acceptance of the situation. Reminder, acceptance doesn’t mean you like it or approve. It’s a necessary step towards your own peace. Closure is an inside job to give you emotional peace and freedom from painful experiences.
Questions to ponder.
What are you holding onto that you want closure around?
Who do you have in your life that you feel safe to be vulnerable with? How can they help you process?
How can you use these offerings as a starting point to move towards closure?
