Have you protected your peace too much?
“Protect your peace” is a common phrase used these days. The essence of the phrase is to set boundaries, say no, and to make sure you are caring for your needs first. This idea can be super helpful, especially for those who struggle with boundaries. However, like many things on the internet, I’ve seen this get taken to an unhelpful extreme. Folks are protecting their peace so hard they isolate and can’t maintain close relationships. And that my friends, is not good for our health. Because we are neurobiologically designed for connection, protecting your peace too much might actually lead to more isolation, anxiety, and depression. Remember, loneliness is actually a threat to your survival so it creates a stress response in your body. It’s as if this idea has been commandeered as a way to avoid the hard work of maintaining intimate relationships, working through hard things with other people, building community, and learning how to actually balance care for self and care for others at the same time. I’ve also seen it used as an excuse to justify when people are bad friends/partners/family members. The problem with this, is we are social animals. We thrive in community. Don’t forget, you’re going to need support sometimes too, so you need those close relationships. Isolating yourself and only connecting when everything is perfect, is unrealistic and feeds perfectionism. On the flip side, overdoing it and being boundary less in your relationships is a real quick way to create burnout and resentment in your relationships.
Like most of what I talk about, there is nuance here. You do need to have boundaries with loved ones, respecting your limits, capacity, and health. However, part of health and wellness is the health of your social connections. Making sure you care for your relationships is a vital part of your mental and physical health. I’ve said it before, relationships are inconvenient, so if your only concern is protecting your own peace, you may be damaging your relationships. When you think about protecting your peace, assess every occasion separately. One week, you might be having a good week at work, sleeping well, and overall be in a good mood. A friend reaches out for support because they’re having a hard time. You might not want to because you don’t want to cloud your good week, but you definitely have the capacity to show up for your friend. Let’s say another week your friend reaches out asking to hang out and expressing a need to talk about some hard things in their life. This week however, you’re taking care of a sick pet, you visited family last weekend, you’re exhausted, and it’s either hang out with the friend or go for a hike to clear your head. Well, saying no would be a healthy boundary for care for yourself so you can rebuild your capacity. Saying yes might leave you resentful and burntout. You can offer a day or time later that works for you, so you are still committing to caring for the relationship. I’m not saying don’t protect your peace, just be honest with yourself about what you really need vs want, what your capacity is, and what you need to do to care for your relationships.
Questions to ponder.
Are you more prone to protecting your peace too hard or not enough?
What boundaries do you need to actually protect your peace?
How can you show up more for your loved ones even on the hard weeks?
